"AND THE LOSER IS...."

Yup. Another Will Smith/Chris Rock take. Like it or not.

It’s friday as I write this. Five days since the 94th Academy Awards Show. Like everyone, I’m kinda’ sick of all the “takes” on the now infamous “slap”. But you know which kind of take I hate the most? The “No one wants to hear your take!” take. Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure no one does wanna’ hear my take. But here it is regardless. Stop reading if you don’t want to hear another one. I don’t care. This is a free newsletter with a handful of readers. I write this for myself mostly. So, respectfully, I’m gonna’ write about what is still on my mind, even after five days. Here it is. My golden, perfect, award winning take on…."“The slap.”

Let’s get my actual take out of the way, in case that’s all you’re here for. Who’s fault is it? Who’s to blame? Which one of these two men involved “crossed” a line and needs to apologize?

Will Smith. And only Will Smith. Period. For all eternity.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about why this altercation has literally bumped a pandemic, the beginnings of World War 3 not to mention the actual Oscars itself off the front pages for the better part of the last week. What is it about two grown men fighting on live TV that attracts us like moths to a flame?

I was bullied a lot in school. Small, chubby, glasses. A perfect mark for a certain kind of bully. It wasn’t everyday, like in teen flicks. But at least a couple times a year from 5th grade thru 8th grade I’d get in a scrap.

I never started it. I would never throw the first punch. Fifth grade, Mark Bergman, next door neighbor for years, kind of a friend. (Hello and fuck you Mark if you’re reading this. I bet you’re still an asshole.) He was suddenly in the same class with me at PS87. I don’t remember what pissed him off. But he kept saying “I’ll see you at recess”. Really? Even in the 80’s that was a really stupid cliche line. I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.

All I remember about recess is him and I with our little fifth grade arms wrapped around each other, flailing away, while most of the school’s other kids quickly encircled us screaming “A fight! A fight!”. The crowd of students sounded almost joyful about it. I surely didn’t have any sense of “winning” the fight, but this classmate named Alberto came up to me after and said “Yo that was awesome! You beat his butt! Next time kick him in the balls!”

Seventh grade a kid named Adam kept asking me what I had for lunch, grabbed my paper lunch bag and tried to peek into it. I grabbed the bag back and said “None of your business”. He lunged for me and we had at it. Like before, I don’t remember winning, but he didn’t come in the next day. When Adam finally did return he had a black eye. I apparently won the optics. Again. Pure luck.

Only one incident in high school that I remember. We had a substitute teacher one day who let us do anything. Free class. This big kid named Tommy, who I didn’t know well but never had a problem with, was banging a beat on a desk in the back. Really loudly. In front of a girl. I was a few desks away with a friend of mine. The beat paused. I called out “Did you impress her yet?”. My friend laughed. I looked at him and smiled. Proud of my improvised and what I thought was harmless, little friendly dig. Suddenly I couldn’t breath. Tommy had snuck up behind me and put me in a really strong chokehold. Of course he eventually let go, but it was terrifying.

There’s other stories. Muggings in the street. Being chased out of a park by kids with baseball bats. One of my best real friends protecting me from that same Mark Bergman asshole a few years later when he got bigger. (Hello to that friend, who knows who he is and might even read this blog. I don’t think I ever said thank you. So….thank you.)

Growing up on the streets and in the Public Schools of New York City in the 1970’s and 80’s was actually quite tough. But I had friends, brothers and a loving family. I’m sure both Chris Rock & Will Smith had tougher upbringings than me. But I’m from the same generation as them. I know both that rage as well as the shame of being mocked and being hit. It lingers. It still fills me with rage.

My point is that it all sucks. We’re just rageful beings. Violent animals. This is why boxing, UFC and Football are so popular. Even fake violence like the Housewife shows, the WWF. Or movies.

I love movies. I don’t love fighting. But I’m drawn to it. When I flip by “cage” fighting or boxing I’m both fascinated by the brutality and repulsed by it at the same time. I think that’s how people feel about this Oscars incident. Attracted and repelled at the same time.

That’s what the past week of “Takes” has been. After school, (on international satellite television). There was a fight. “A fight! A fight!” The entire school (Oscars, Earth) and all of it’s students (all the movie stars in the theater plus billions watching at home) just had to gather around and look. Just like in Fifth Grade.

But we’re not in fifth grade. And the Oscars aren’t a school. And Will Smith is a 50 something year old millionaire about to win an award for being in a fake movie. Chris is a 50 something millionaire being paid to make fun of that millionaire actor. And everyone there in million dollar gowns. Yes, even the actor’s narcissistic wife. That’s Chris Rock’s fucking job! Smith wasn’t being made fun of by Barney from 79ths Street in the back of class! He was being professionally, lightly teased by a top notch professional comedian as part of an entertainment spectacle. For us!! The audience!!

But that audience doesn’t seem to like the awards show spectacle or the movies these shows are supposed to be celebrating much these days. What kind of spectacle do they really want? “A fight! A fight!” That’s what they got. (Ratings are up. Whoopie!)

Maybe award shows shouldn’t be spectacles. Maybe the whole concept of mixing cinema, red carpet fashion and comic roasting just doesn’t work these days. You know what I learned this week? The “Academy” is technically a non-profit organization. Of course the studios and the networks make money. And theAward shows are just big ads for the actual films.

But maybe movie people should just go to movies. Fashion people can go to fashion shows. Award shows can be just for award nominees, while comedians all simply go back to the comedy clubs. You don’t like movies? Watch Reality TV. You don’t like fashion shows? Buy your clothes at Target. Is you skin too thin and your ego to fragile to hear a very light joke about your wife’s beautiful bald head? The stay the fuck out of comedy clubs!

Everyone back to their corners! The media & the internet is a tower of babble. Trying to decipher or police everyone’s “take” is a waste of time. Billions of people never agree on anything. So “take” away ‘yall! Say what you want. Listen to what you want. Watch what you want. Scream about it if you want. But this isn’t fucking high school. And you’re not a boxer.

No matter how mad you are, anywhere in public. No matter what your job is, what your identity is or what your relationship with your loved one is. No matter what anyone says to you. Especially if you’re an adult, you can’t just go around slapping people.

Ever.

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I didn’t see to many of the nominated movies. I saw “Summer Of Soul” Questlove’s best documentary winner (which Will Smith selfishly upstaged.) Very good. You should also see “Watts Stax” if you like soul music docs. (Playing now on Criterion Chanel).

I saw "Power Of The Dog” which was beautifully shot and performed. But I’d be lying if I said the story didn’t perplex me. I kind of get it now but I wanna’ see it again. (I still think The Piano was Campion’s best movie).

Anyone actually seen Coda yet? Leave a comment if you have. It’s on my list. (No I’m not gonna’ see King Richard. Even before this garbage I had no intention to see it. I don’t really like bio pics and I haven’t watched tennis since McEnroe).

Hopefully less drama next week. Enjoy the weekend everyone. Treat each other well. Don’t slap anyone. Life is too short for that bullshit.

x

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